From “Diary” To Memoir…Read Scarface’s Excerpt On Teenage Suicide Attempts

Scarface has been incredibly vocal about his battles with depression. In fact, the Houston, Texas MC’s biggest hit, Geto Boys’ “Mind Playin’ Tricks On Me” alludes to Brad Jordan’s paranoia, and mental struggles.


Next week, Scarface is releasing his memoir, Diary Of A Madman: The Geto Boys, Life, Death, and the Roots of Southern Rap (April 21, Dey Street Books), written with former MySpace Music Editor Benjamin Meadows Ingram. In promotion of the publishing of the autobiography, the Rap (and Rap-A-Lot) legend shared a particularly potent excerpt from the memoir with Billboard.

While Billboard has the extensive, full excerpt. However, one jarring three-paragraph passage will resonate strongly. Within, the 44-year-old MC/producer recalls some of his adolescent battles with depression, family, and in turn, suicide.

I would spend a lot of time alone. I’d go in my room at my mom’s house and not come out for weeks, just trying to find me. And I didn’t always like what I found. I was raised with the idea that I was born dying. That with every breath you take, you get closer to your last. It’s something I’ve always known. So my mentality, even back then, was always, “What’s the worst that could happen? That I could die or be killed? But I’m born dying, so death is inevitable. Why should I be scared of that?” Being alone just gave me something to really think about. And with shit going so wrong for me then, and with me constantly feeling like everything was fucked and I couldn’t do anything right, the conclusion I came to was that I might as well just get it over with. Fuck it.

I don’t remember too much about that particular day, but I know I was ready for it to be done. I was ready to get up out this bitch. So I went in my mother’s medicine cabinet and took all of her blood-pressure medication. I woke up on the bathroom floor with the ambulance parked outside and the paramedics trying to get me up and out the door. They took me to the hospital and gave me this stuff, ipecac, to clean out my stomach. I spent the whole next day puking my guts out. It was disgusting. I thought that shit was going to kill me! I was like, “Damn, you brought me all the way here to do me in like this?” You could have just left me on the floor and saved everyone a hell of a lot of trouble.

But of course the ipecac didn’t kill me. It probably saved my life. Once they knew my stomach was clear of all of the pills and I wasn’t going to die, they let me go. But then, the next day, my mama brought me back. I thought we were going for a follow-up, or a checkup or some shit, but then she just left me there, dropped me off on the mental-health floor of Houston International Hospital, and that became my life.

As Chance The Rapper and others tackle this issue, is Scarface even more influential than Heads have realized this far?

From 2Pac to Ice Cube, Devin The Dude to Jay Z, and from Geto Boys to Stalley, Scarface’s honesty, courage, and ability to be critical of himself have made him not only a collaborator, but a mass influence. Based on this gripping passage alone, could The Diary-maker have a seminal Rap memoir at a time when that’s been a scarcity?

Read the full Scarface memoir excerpt at Billboard.

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